Tuesday, January 14, 2020

The Bachelor Recap | Week Two

Okay, we back bitches! Right where we left off HB & Peter on a couch talking about coming back to the house. He is rubbing her back and they are sitting so close...I've never sat like that with an ex (well if I did, it lead somewhere that it shouldn't have.) He just said "I can't do this" I guess this is a wrap, kids. 

So Peter cuts the day portion of the date short, the girls aren't happy. And I get it! 100%, they're right. They put their lives on hold to have a chance with him and HB his ex gf keeps showing up. And this time around it was ABC's doing. Now onto the evening part of the date. One of them is particularly pissed-I don't remember her name, but I get where she's coming from. 

Sydney is going to spill her guts-we've got our first one! She is interracial and dealt with bullying...which made her a strong individual. I like her. She's v sweet and pretty-they kissed (keeping track cause it matters haha!) 

He's into Mykenna, lifted her up on the counter, making out, and he made a weird "ooh" noise. I like her dress, but she's a fashion IGer, so duh of course I do. 


Cocktail Party: 
I'll be honest nothing throws me off then this new structure, I remember the days when it was dates, blah blah, bullshit, and then the episode always ended with a rose ceremony. It buttoned up the episode nicely. But now we willynilly throw them around. Anywaysss, Lexi's dress has plastic straps. It's confusing to me. Does anyone understand them? She was the one that didn't get a date this week. He had a gift for her of her entrance (a little red convertible-cute). I want her to wear more mascara I think. KISSING AGAIN. 

Kelsey brought champs cause she got it on her bday? I need to see what kind it is...is it Dom Perignon? If it's not, I'm going to be not impressed. Ohh Mykenna swooped in and took him...Kelsey calm down, you want that champs to be cold girl. THEY FIGHTIN NOW. Mykenna brought out syrup and whipped cream...what happens? This fight is lame, like it wasn't that disrespectful, there's no signup sheet for time, damn Kelsey calm down. Instead of fighting with her, here's an idea...go grab him now. 

He's with Madison now and it feels like they're bf/gf. He is saying how much he loved slow dancing with her. His fam loves her already. He is surprising her with...a framed picture of his family and her. That's sups cute, but sups OFFICIAL DAMNNNN. Madison is the one to beat. 

Kelsey had her contour touched up (and I've seen some spoilers) something happens. OMG SOMEONE IS STEALING IT. Hannah Ann and Peter just got caught champs handed. Kelsey's friends are pissed. Kelsey is CRYING (sidebar, it is Dom). Peter goes to see if he can console her and she says nah. She's still crying...oh gosh, she's really upset. NOW she's stormed outside to scream at HA in front of Peter. Peter is trying to talk to her and she just keeps saying "I['m really upset" over and over. Oh and "I set that up". Now there's a bottle of Prosecco that they're opening together. People are cheering-dumb. Drinking from the bottle and she gets it everywhere and I'm dead. I'm dying. HOLY SHIT. She's now crying again and fighting w/ HA. Hannah Ann is a repeater too and saying "I've acknowledged your feelings and I apologize" god, these girls are broken records. 

Rose Ceremony time! 
Phew, thank god. I'm going to do my best to speed type these names without my dad yelling them to me from the next room (cause he's on vacation!) 
Victoria P
Sarah (I had no idea there was a Sarah..)
Hannah Ann aka HA
Alyahha (still spelled that wrong)
Deann (is that right?)
Victoria F
they should have to wear nametags

Group Date:
I missed the names. It's DVRed & I'm not going back to jot them down-#layz it's my brand, but HA and Kelsey are both on it.
They're at Revolve aka the store for all the Bachettes when they get off. They get to go to every Revolve event and wear all the new arrivals. Janice Dickinson and Carson from Queer Eye are there to give them a challenge. They're modeling in a Revolve fashion show. Hannah G (my fave from Colton's season) is shook somewhere (Mexico, I know cause I follow her on IG). The girls are styling themselves for the fashion show and this is a cute group date. The weird quiet one, what's her name, is being shy and awkotaco. And she's crying in the interview-goodness, maybe I should be counting the crying. Nah, then this would be come a post about "kissing", then "crying", repeat. 

Peter walked the runway-yikes, ha! Winner of this gets the whole Revolve closet to set their post-Bachelor Instagram career off on the right foot. HA WORE A WEDDING DRESS. Revolve makes wedding dresses??? Dylan-Hannah G's fiancĂ© HIDE YOUR EYES. Victoria F-shy girl, killed itttttt! Kelsey gave Peter a bottle of Andre-that's $4 champs, that's a drop from the Dom. SHY GIRL IS KISSING HIM IN NEXT TO NOTHING-she isn't shy anymore. Hannah Ann won and will be the next famous IGer from the Bachelor franchise...oh wait, that's not what the competition is about. 

Peter and Victoria F are having a private, quiet moment cause she's feeling insecure cause he has stronger outgoing connections already. Now he's with Kelsey with the CHEAPEST CHAMPS. He said "very classy this time" bahaha, all that foam. HA gives me Jesus camp vibes, like I'm waiting for her to put on a tee shirt and start singing "Jesus Loves Me" next to a campfire. I think it's her face. 

So HA throws Kelsey under the bus for bullying her over #champsgate. They kiss and he says I like you, he says I like you. He gives the rose to Victoria F and HA looks pissed. 

Peter is pulling Kelsey aside to discuss #champsgate and I can't wait to put this behind us. Wait, those chandlers are gorgeous-woah, so pretty! Kelsey is trying to get Peter to see that HA doesn't act like the way she does in front of him like she does in the house. Peter looks so confused and kinda like "why did I sign up for this?" Nothing was resolved, awesome, #champsgate lives on! I need Kelsey to drink more water...she cries SO MUCH. Stop with the champs, drink water. Her pee is probably bright yellow. 

Tonight was an annoying, crying rollercoaster...but I was here for it. The preview has BOTH of them crying, mother of Mary...Kleenex has to sponsor this freaking show. Let's chat in the comments and please send me champs,

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